I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
