we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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