So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
