just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
