I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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