remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
