i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
