a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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