I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
