I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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