He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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