hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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