That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
