the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
