just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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