I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
