dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
