it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
