I wish I could teleport
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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