i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
