I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
