You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
