she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
