If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
then he tried to convert me to islam
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
