soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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