Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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