What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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