clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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