i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
