She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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