You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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