My room smells like vodka and shame
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
