Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
