No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
