remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
