Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Enjoy the penises
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize