I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
