Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We are all done wearing pants today
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
