I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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