someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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