a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize