i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
