yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she looked like the before picture.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
