i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I checked into jail on foursquare
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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