do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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