The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
