I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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