I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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