I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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