if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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