Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
