if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
