It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
