His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
